Life in or around 40’s is quite unique. For many, this is the time when you are shaping up new lives as parents, at the same time you are preparing for emotional upheaval as close ones start their final journey. Life goals and ambitions are more realistic and most people are relatively more aware of their professional roadmap. This brings sometime a rare calmness and sometime a feeling of lack of fulfillment, failure and despondency.
As I step into my 40’s I am feel more happy thinking about my past then visualizing my future. The past for me is testimony of keeping a number of promises that I made to myself and my family. The future is a different story. The future is surely not what I had ever visualized. I never expected that I would be so helpless against the suffering of my mother. Agonizingly helpless. Nobody should go through such pain.
The cruel twist of destiny can change things so quickly. And, that highlights the futility of our efforts and planning.
Innocence, immaturity and insouciance are quite underrated assets in many contexts; these are often the key factors behind some of our biggest achievements and milestones. But with time, these assets are eaten away by our professional commitments, ambitions and properieties. Our responses become too calibrated; our actions become too calculated. We become more risk averse; we avoid confrontation and conflicts. We became too much concerned about what everyone thinks of us.
Something very similar happened to me a few years back, when I stopped blogging. In fact, I did not stop blogging but stopped opinionating as I continued to post “things” on blogs. I learnt the art of transforming emotional rabble-rousing outbursts into a diplomatic and politically correct, but impotent, comments. My fingers started to doodle instead of showing the middle finger to assholes. Did I gain anything out of that? Don’t know. Did I lose anything? A lot.
So it makes sense to go back to basics. This personal blog was an important part of what I am. It documented the started point of my journey so that I can look back and see how much I have travelled. Many who join in the journey midway, might never know from where did you start and they will never know why you look so tired and beaten. They have a look at your speed and not the distance covered. The starting point as well as the journey need to be documented. Not for others, but for my own stock taking. To understand the transformation, to understand the transfiguration.